RULES

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other

dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the

middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food

and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me

to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall

faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about

this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your

comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.It is

not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the

fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and

having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but

sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bath room. If by some

miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not

necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under

the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I

entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline

attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I

cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our

front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is

short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money

3 Are easier to train

4. Usually come when called

5. Never drive your car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashion

9. Don't wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.